Life's Journey Part 2

We finally made an appointment at Texas Fertility Center with Dr. Lisa Hansard. The moment I met her, I loved her. She was very thorough and encouraging. She said we were "perfect candidates for IUI." I left feeling extremely hopeful, optimistic, and energized! So, I started taking Clomid on cycle days 3-7. Then I went in for monitoring. On Dec. 8 we did our first IUI. I was so hopeful. I had to wait 2 weeks and then go for a blood test to see if I was pregnant on Dec. 22. I decided to test early on the 20th. It came up negative. I tried to tell myself it was still too early, but in my heart I knew. Blood test results on Dec. 22: BFN (big fat negative). So, on to round 2 of IUI. We did it on Jan 4th. My blood test day was on the 18th. I already decided I would not test early...just let the blood test tell me. I did not feel hopeful at all this time. I started to feel so down. At this time, it seemed like all anyone talked about was babies and when they were going to have another one and what their child did, etc... I remember calling my mom and just breaking down and crying to her. I felt like I was in a fog. I felt like I couldn't be happy about anything until I became pregnant. I felt like I couldn't be optimistic. But why? I'm a good person. I'm kind. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom. All I've ever wanted was to be married and to have a baby. I'm relatively healthy. So why can't I have a baby? I know for sure that I will be the best mommy! I can't wait to be woken up because my baby is crying. I can't wait to gain weight and have a big belly. I don't care if I get stretch marks. I want tot take my baby places and show him or her off. I want to take the baby to Chris' work. These are things I thought about constantly. But I felt like these things would never happen. In the back of my mind I thought surely it will happen, but I just could not imagine seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Looking back, I was definitely in the beginnings of depression. All I wanted was for God to give me just one healthy baby. Just one. I tried to see His plan for me and to have faith, but doubt always took over. All in all we did 5 IUI's and not one worked. IVF was going to be our last hope.