One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
I remember that moment just like it was yesterday. We had gotten back from Chicago and my period was late. We were getting ready to give IVF another shot and I was waiting to start birth control pills. I thought I would do a test just to know my period was on its way. I had taken HUNDREDS of tests before and each time I was always so nervous. I would say a prayer and my hands would be shaking. I would wait the 5 minutes it said to wait, but it seemed like hours. Each time only one line showed up. I would take the test into the sunlight just to see if there was a hint of a second line. Maybe if I took the test apart I would see a second line. Maybe I drank too much water and my urine wasn't concentrated enough. Maybe I tested too early. But always, there was only one line.
We weren't actively trying because I couldn't get pregnant on my own (or so we thought) and we were going to do IVF again. I had one test left over from a box and I just very casually did it. I didn't say a prayer, I wasn't nervous, I had no thoughts about it at all....just that it would definitely be negative and that means my period will be here soon. It was no big deal to me AT ALL. Well, as soon as I did the test, I started to put it on the counter when I saw the test line come up....just like it always did......BUT, something else started to happen. A second line began to show almost at the same time as the test line. For a split second I thought this can't be real. I stared at the test for a few seconds more not believing my eyes. I started to sweat. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I just started screaming "There are two lines! There are two lines!" I couldn't run to our bedroom fast enough to show Chris. He was laying down after our flight home. He was totally confused. I showed him the test and I yelled at him that I had never gotten two lines before. He told me to calm down and do another one. I went to the store, got some more, and did another test....TWO FREAKING LINES!!!! I have never been so happy and so scared in my life. I wanted so badly to have this be for real and for us to have a baby at the end of this. I was scared because this wasn't the plan. My body couldn't get pregnant right? I had shitty eggs, I have Crohn's Disease, we had tried for years. We needed medical help to get pregnant. I was supposed to get pregnant with IVF. The doctors were supposed to control everything....how could this happen on its own? Could I trust my body to grow our baby????
And week after week, my belly got bigger and my baby grew. I was so scared of something going wrong and not being able to have our baby. I cried to my mom one night and told her my fears. I told her after everything we had gone through, how is it possible that we will finally get to have our baby? I told her that I just could not imagine actually holding him in my arms. That I was so scared we won't get to keep him. She held me and told me to just trust that God will take care of me and my baby boy. Chris asked me when I will finally believe that we were going to have a baby. I told him I will believe it when I am actually holding him.
My arms felt so empty during those years. But now, they are FULL! Each day is such a blessing with him. I will never forget the pain I felt while trying to have a baby. I wish I had put more faith in God. I wish I would have trusted the people around me telling me it was all going to work out. It would have made the journey so much easier. If I had known I was going to get THIS baby, I would have quit worrying!
See? My arms are full now!!
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| These pics were taken at my school for Caraway Baby Day. More on that later. |
And just for fun. I took these pics when we got home because I thought he looked so cute in his outfit :)
I finally have the family I have always dreamed about. I have the best husband (who was way more patient than he should have been with me), two sweet dogs, and one PERFECT baby boy! Who knows what my life will look like a year from now. What I do know is that at this moment, life is good and I'm so thankful!!
